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Wednesday, 4 April 2012

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Rising incidences of brain suck and ear torture led Sensible Society of India to release its own terrorist list

They can suck your brains - Exclusive SSI survey
SSI discloses list of 6 terrible brain suckers of India

Sensible Society of India (SSI) which wants Indian people to live sensibly and peacefully reported its first list of brain suckers and mental torturers in 2011 in India. According to SSI, the list includes all those prominent Indian personalities which became reasons for mental torture and ear rape for common Indians.

"Many Indians made mental suicidal activities because of these 6 Indians," said Rakesh Sharma, chief of SSI "All these provided tremendous amount of embarrassment and mental pain to Indian people."
The list was drawn on the basis of extensive survey conducted by SSI after reviewing each every text of India Satire (erstwhile Digvijay Singh Fan Club).

"We have considered hundreds of incidences which created mental havoc among the Indian people because of communications from these people. We have put these people in our Most Wanted List and also advise sensible people to ignore them completely or totally avoid to read any article, listen their speeches or avoid communication in anyway that is possible with them to maintain stability of mind. These 6 people are popular for terrorizing the brains, reasons for death of millions of brain cells and create mental imbalance by giving stu*id speeches," said Sharma.

He also said "If these people found, maintain peace of mind and immediately give a call to SSI Police so that it can come and take them away from you."

SSI's Most Wanted List

No. 6 - Arnab Goswami

No. 5 - Mahesh Bhatt

No. 4 - Kapil Dev

No. 3 - Arindam Chaudhuri

No. 2 - Kapil Sibal

No. 1 - Digvijay Singh

No.6 Arnab Goswami (News and Media):

Danger value 20.

Arnab Goswami, India’s most popular TV anchor and Editor of Times Now who is known for sucking the brain 
juices of Indian TV news audience. It is not just audience but also the participants in his programmes complained about severe headaches and mental imbalance. Doctors said watching his programmes consistently for an hour or so everyday can be a serious cause for headache, migraine and many times if it goes on toss then loss of potency. Many people, most of them are politicians have registered cases of impotency because of not allowing them to complete their speeches and had to listen to his continuous speech-o-speech verbatim for long hours. SSI advises to stay away from him.

Read full coverage on Arnab Goswami India Satire

No. 5 Mahesh Bhatt (Expert in everything):

Danger Value 25

This guy is banned from every country to speak but enjoys freedom in India. He has something to talk about everything which is generally non-digestible for the people with soft and sensible heart. SSI recommends staying away from Mahesh Bhatt, as he could cause for de-hydration, acidity and severe problems of digestion leading to even lever and kidney failure. SSI recommends don't chew or eat or drink his words. He has the habit to do that and therefore while talking his tongue move like he has severe acidity issues. This is a sign of recognizing him. Though, softer his daughter also has habit to chew words like supari. SSI also wanted him for throwing intolerable Emraan Hashmi on Indian audiences.

Read full coverage on Mahesh Bhatt on India Satire

No. 4 Kapil Dev (Cause for Dementia):

Danger Value 30

Famous for his contribution to Cricket but unpopular to his contributions made by words. SSI recommends avoid any interaction with him as it causes to Dementia (Suresh Kalmadi syndrome) which leads to short-term memory loss (Ghazini syndrome).

Kapil Dev forgets what he told just a minute back,a day back, a month back, a year back or 10 years back and so on. He has a habit to give long speeches on whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire or not. However, many are still unclear on his real stand.

5 years back he said Sachin Tendulkar should retire then 2 years back he said no Sachin is capable of playing many years, 1 year back he said it is up to Sachin whether he wants to retire or not 3 months back he said Sachin should retire and one month back he said Sachin should retire from one day internationals and not test matches. Recently, India Satire found him out saying Sachin should play 2015 world cup. So much of confusing words and changing speeches can definitely cause spider’s net in the brain.

Suresh Kalmadi agreed that the real cause of his Dementia was Kapil Dev. Kalmadi had followed Kapil Dev since his young age and he was his greatest fan. His following only inspired Kalmadi to choose career in sports. However, doctors which identified Dementia in him said it was following Kapil caused Kalmadi Dementia. Avoid him in any case.

Earlier, SSI focused on the species which caused for single diseases in human beings. Now, it gives top 3 people which are causes for multi-diseases in human beings.

Read full coverage on Kapil Dev on India Satire

No. 3 Arindam Chaudhuri (Many things, detailed list attached):

Danger Value 40

Most intelligent and handsome noted (?) international economist, international management guru, international strategist, international philosopher, international psychologist, international spiritual guru, international business leader, international political analyst, international eminent author, international authoritative speaker, international transformational leader and international many more (few of them are English, rest are Latin, Italian and different planetary words). It is a 20 page file to describe him, above was just a snapshot and if anybody wants SSI will provide but disclaimer is read on own risk.

SSI is seriously asking to ban any kind of interaction, reading or listening to his speeches for sensible Indians. This can cause for multiple diseases such as fu*k myself syndrome (inferiority complex), love Rahul Baba syndrome (apologize for not finding suitable word), throat infection if somebody immitate him and lip expansion disease (imitating him in smiling speaking).

An independent survey of doctors suggests that a strange reaction found in 15 out of 100 followers of Arindam. Their lips unnaturally widened by 2-3 inches just by following Arindam's smile and his continuous talkative nature. While Doctors are aware that now they can't do anything for these patients, they are recommending gutkha chain eaters to study and follow Arindam to get rid off tight edges on lips. "Five minutes Arindam a day keeps doctors away."

However, besides above mentioned, Arindam has no benefit in day to day life. Survey suggests 15000 YouTube visitors have witnessed serious headaches while brains of 2% of Indian YouTube visitors which also visited Arindam's videos blasted with full force creating 250 decibels of noise and serious ear troubles for their relatives.
Another issue is inferiority complex to many scholars, creating serious issues of depression and broken relationships. SSI told India Satire correspondent that many scholars faced double whammy as their wives told them that they can't even touch the edge of Arindam Chaudhuri, neither in terms of looks nor in terms of talent. Many other diseases like heart trouble, heart burn, knowledge deficiency, brain juices sucked out, etc also accompany with these major issues. SSI recommends staying away from him.

Read full coverage on Arindam Chaudhuri on India Satire

No.2 Kapil Sibal aka Sibal Uncle (Innovator, Politician, Lawyer):

Danger Value 50

All three degress mentioned above just proved that he is in a unique and esteemed class of intellectuals. SSI said Kapil Sibal is a very unique identity that borne in India. This guy is serious trouble for sensible people in India. Though he recognised for his humble language, many identified him with WTF kind of expression. Along with many innovations, Sibal has invented Kapil Sibal syndrome (a serious chemical reaction in the patient leads to madness and frustration).

Scientists said Sibal’s zero loss theory caused many genuine and sensible scientists to make suicide. These scientists felt so idiotic that they felt it was better to lose life than live in losing world. His theory was studied by every news agency, every research house and every university in the world and found out zero wasting their 100% time in the bullshit.

Survey suggests when Sibal speaks 99% times he innovates something. His innovative ideas can cause madness in the people. Another disease that had found out was feeling loser all the time and feeling fu*ked. All these diseases can be bunched in Kapil Sibal syndrome (KSS).

Sibal also favored pre-screening of social networking content before it published to Google or Facebook, which itself is unique idea. However, it took some irritating turn as parents started asking doctors to pre-screen their babies before publishing into the world whether their children have anything kind of Kapil Sibal syndrome. Doctors said it is really a pain that they have not really invented any instrument which measures Kapil Sibal Syndrome leading to a heavy outburst of parents. Doctors, however, are confident that Kapil Sibal syndrome will eliminate soon and pre-screening of babies in mother’s womb would be helpful.

Recently Sibal suggested to apply pre-screening machines in the minds of people which will identify people who thinks he is id*ot and will record the stuff. Sibal listening to that stuff then will decide whether to kick on his a$$ of that person or not. That created huge fear among innocent and sensible people along with already frightened satire writers and comment writers on Facebook and Google. He terrorized all the netizens and other non-netizen civilians.

SSI identified him as a serious trouble to sensibility and gave esteemed 2nd number position.

Read full coverage Kapil Sibal on India Satire

No. 1 Digvijay Singh aka Diggy Chacha (Most intelligent creature in the universe):

Danger Value 65

SSI identified Digvijay Singh aka Diggy Chacha as a most dangerous specie in the world. He is most intelligent creature in the universe, even Jadoo accepted that Chacha Diggy is much more intelligent than him. He is very sharp and great command over communication. Major problem he created for sensible people is severe madness, irritation and asking God not to send on the earth if Chacha is there.

SSI said that Diggy Chacha is a serious trouble for your stomach as well. All the above diseases are accompanied with him. He is a basket of all the disease available at free.

Sources said that US government is more worried for India sending Diggy as its weapon than Iran accessing nuclear bomb or Pakistani terrorists accessing Pakistan’s nuclear bomb. These sources confirmed that US government requested India not to send Diggy to any of the nation who can be more explosive than any nuclear or bio weapons created by human beings.

Right now Diggy Chacha is on a mission… Mission (Im) Possible to set Rahul Gandhi (popularly known as Amul Baby and Rahul Baba) on Prime Minister’s seat and throw RSS led terrorism from the world.
Doctors suggested precautionary steps. Doctor Pradeep Varma said “If you feel anything like burning heart or brain. Feeling nervous and consistently wanting to get rid off your clothes, if you want to tear your clothes, hairs or feeling to kill yourself, if you feel distressed, impotent, no value in sex life, irritated, unknowledgeable, etc and many more (List will be displayed in due-course of time). Then just go and check up with doctors, you might have 
Chacha Diggy syndrome.”

Read full coverage on Diggy Chacha on India Satire

This story is dedicated to Jhyap (Indian Defence Board) who inspired me to write on this theme.

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