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Wednesday, 18 January 2012

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Frustrating by the dearth of genuine companies and countries, S&P to rate human species

Ratings to human beings, an aggressive step says S&P

World's one of the top rating agencies and famous for initiating aggression in downgrading companies and countries, Standard & Poor's (S&P) plans to rate human beings due to the dearth of any genuine company and country. The ratings agency recently downgraded 9 European countries.

Douglas Peterson, President, Standard & Poor's Ratings Services said "We are glad to announce that we are the pioneers of the new concept to rate different human species based on their activities in the social life. This will also help us to find out the true value of human assets for the country. Take for example USA, the country which we downgraded may see a rating revision in any which way because of possible disposal of Barack Obama in next American elections. We may revise US rating upward if that happens while in other case we may put US in junk category. However, these are possibilities and we really want to act this way so that in near future country rating revisions are possible."

S&P analyst Wayne Hayes said "Actually, the reason is S&P analysts are getting frustrated by not finding out any genuine company or country. It is better if we shift our focus on the interesting human species so that our analysts will also remain motivated." When DCFC reporter asked him whether they used this formula in any of S&P's recent reports, he said "Yea, actually we took courage to give downgrade to US and several European countries which include France. Our ex-boss Deven Sharma was pioneer to this idea and he put all the bullshits made by Obama on paper and downgraded US."

The company's Executive Managing Director, Global Analytics & Operations, Paul A. Coughlin said "Take the example of France, the country which recently we downgraded. Actually, we used our new idea at beta levels for this country. For last 6 months every time we checked the meeting of German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French President Nicolas Sarkozy, Merkel used to piss off and fuck of at Sarkozy which irritated our analyst and finally losing his patience he downgraded the country."

However, Coughlin said that the country rating would not really depend only on the human asset parameter and S&P will give same privilege to human rating system as it gives to corporate rating system.
Coughlin said "S&P desk has decided to rate the people based on developed and emerging countries. For example in developed countries category we have US and Europe while in emerging countries we have China and India. Our rating system will closely track all the bullshitting of these people, their performance in social life and their lack of understanding towards the core issues."

Yu-Tsung Chang, Executive Managing Director, Asia-Pacific Ratings Services said "Initially, we plan to operate our model in fast growing China and India in Asia. For China, considering the aggression of their leaders, we sent the list that contains names of political leaders with check boxes mentioning different grades. The leaders themselves can fill up the form and tick on the rating check boxes which they like most. However, through our sister concern, CRISIL we shall track Indian political leaders closely."

For India, CRISIL will handle the KPO job for S&P and look after the ratings of the different politicians, initially. RBI governor D. Subbarao who is not a political leader will get a privilege and he will be included in the list of gradation. However, Subbarao has to be careful now onwards and he will not run in the marathon while Indian economy is running out of money. Subba, S&P analyst is watching you.

"We shall follow stringent guidelines of S&P to meet the best standards of human ratings as like we did in the case of corporate ratings. We shall not be doing a typical KPO job and will have authority in formatting the reports and write the names of our analysts as well. Few small powers S&P will be holding for example, selecting the human beings to be rated and giving final grades to them," said Mr. Ramraj Pai, Director, CRISIL Ratings.

The first list for India is expected to be released on the coming Monday and according to inside sources, personalities in the list would be Sonia Gandhi, Manmohan Singh, Rahul (Baba) Gandhi, Digvijay Singh, Kapil Sibal, P Chidambaram, Nitin Gadkari, Sushma Swaraj, Lalkrishna Advani, Behenji Mayawati, Mulayam Singh Yadav and Lalu Prasad Yadav. Some prominent social personalities like Arnab Goswami, Arindam Chaudhuri and Arundhati Roy will also be included. These human beings will be rated from CCC (Junk Status) to AAA (Stable Status).

Reacting to the S&P's decision, its rival firm Moody's spokesperson said "We are closely watching the development and not frantic to take any kind of decision at this point. This is a same strategy that we adopted for country ratings. We are waiting European countries to default and then we shall downgrade their ratings."
Reactions of Indian politicians were not very cozy. Kapil Sibal said "The government is closely watching the development and whenever it is necessary we shall censor the idea of human ratings for national wellbeing. S&P has to pre-screen the entire list with us." However, in private he told Diggy Chacha Fan Club (DCFC) reporter "See, we don't want Madamji, Rahul Baba and myself to be downgraded to junk status and therefore we may take that step. If they want somebody in our government, we offer Diggy to be rated."

Few suggestions came from Behenji Mayawati which asks reservation in the grading system while special priorities to give best grades to Muslim leaders came from Mulayam Singh Yadav. Diggy Chacha said "I am not gradable. I am not a human being but much more than that as like a God and therefore I would urge S&P not to consider me for the grading purposes."

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