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| They can suck your brains - Exclusive SSI survey |
SURVEY
SSI discloses list of 6 terrible brain suckers of India
Sensible
Society of India (SSI) which wants Indian people to live sensibly and
peacefully reported its first list of brain suckers and mental torturers in
2011 in India. According to SSI, the list includes all those prominent Indian
personalities which became reasons for mental torture and ear rape for common
Indians.
The list was drawn on the basis of extensive
survey conducted by SSI after reviewing each every text of India Satire
(erstwhile Digvijay Singh Fan Club).
"We have considered hundreds of
incidences which created mental havoc among the Indian people because of
communications from these people. We have put these people in our Most Wanted
List and also advise sensible people to ignore them completely or totally avoid
to read any article, listen their speeches or avoid communication in anyway
that is possible with them to maintain stability of mind. These 6 people are
popular for terrorizing the brains, reasons for death of millions of brain
cells and create mental imbalance by giving stu*id speeches," said Sharma.
He also said "If these people found,
maintain peace of mind and immediately give a call to SSI Police so that it can
come and take them away from you."
SSI's
Most Wanted List
No. 6 - Arnab Goswami
No. 5 - Mahesh Bhatt
No. 4 - Kapil Dev
No. 3 - Arindam Chaudhuri
No. 2 - Kapil Sibal
No. 1 - Digvijay Singh
No.6
Arnab Goswami (News and Media):
Danger
value 20.
Arnab Goswami, India’s most popular TV anchor
and Editor of Times Now who is known for sucking the brain
juices of Indian TV
news audience. It is not just audience but also the participants in his
programmes complained about severe headaches and mental imbalance. Doctors said
watching his programmes consistently for an hour or so everyday can be a
serious cause for headache, migraine and many times if it goes on toss then
loss of potency. Many people, most of them are politicians have registered
cases of impotency because of not allowing them to complete their speeches and
had to listen to his continuous speech-o-speech verbatim for long hours. SSI
advises to stay away from him.
Read full coverage on Arnab Goswami
India Satire
No.
5 Mahesh Bhatt (Expert in everything):
Danger
Value 25
This guy is banned from every country to
speak but enjoys freedom in India. He has something to talk about everything
which is generally non-digestible for the people with soft and sensible heart.
SSI recommends staying away from Mahesh Bhatt, as he could cause for
de-hydration, acidity and severe problems of digestion leading to even lever
and kidney failure. SSI recommends don't chew or eat or drink his words. He has
the habit to do that and therefore while talking his tongue move like he has
severe acidity issues. This is a sign of recognizing him. Though, softer his
daughter also has habit to chew words like supari. SSI also wanted him for
throwing intolerable Emraan Hashmi on Indian audiences.
Read full coverage on Mahesh Bhatt on
India Satire
No.
4 Kapil Dev (Cause for Dementia):
Danger
Value 30
Famous for his contribution to Cricket but
unpopular to his contributions made by words. SSI recommends avoid any
interaction with him as it causes to Dementia (Suresh Kalmadi syndrome) which
leads to short-term memory loss (Ghazini syndrome).
Kapil Dev forgets what he told just a minute
back,a day back, a month back, a year back or 10 years back and so on. He has a
habit to give long speeches on whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire or not.
However, many are still unclear on his real stand.
5 years back he said Sachin Tendulkar should
retire then 2 years back he said no Sachin is capable of playing many years, 1
year back he said it is up to Sachin whether he wants to retire or not 3 months
back he said Sachin should retire and one month back he said Sachin should
retire from one day internationals and not test matches. Recently, India Satire
found him out saying Sachin should play 2015 world cup. So much of confusing
words and changing speeches can definitely cause spider’s net in the brain.
Suresh Kalmadi agreed that the real cause of his
Dementia was Kapil Dev. Kalmadi had followed Kapil Dev since his young age and
he was his greatest fan. His following only inspired Kalmadi to choose career
in sports. However, doctors which identified Dementia in him said it was
following Kapil caused Kalmadi Dementia. Avoid him in any case.
Earlier, SSI focused on the species which
caused for single diseases in human beings. Now, it gives top 3 people which
are causes for multi-diseases in human beings.
Read full coverage on Kapil Dev on India
Satire
No.
3 Arindam Chaudhuri (Many things, detailed list attached):
Danger
Value 40
Most intelligent and handsome noted (?)
international economist, international management guru, international
strategist, international philosopher, international psychologist, international
spiritual guru, international business leader, international political analyst,
international eminent author, international authoritative speaker,
international transformational leader and international many more (few of them
are English, rest are Latin, Italian and different planetary words). It is a 20
page file to describe him, above was just a snapshot and if anybody wants SSI
will provide but disclaimer is read on own risk.
SSI is seriously asking to ban any kind of
interaction, reading or listening to his speeches for sensible Indians. This
can cause for multiple diseases such as fu*k myself syndrome (inferiority
complex), love Rahul Baba syndrome (apologize for not finding suitable word),
throat infection if somebody immitate him and lip expansion disease (imitating
him in smiling speaking).
An independent survey of doctors suggests
that a strange reaction found in 15 out of 100 followers of Arindam. Their lips
unnaturally widened by 2-3 inches just by following Arindam's smile and his
continuous talkative nature. While Doctors are aware that now they can't do
anything for these patients, they are recommending gutkha chain eaters to study
and follow Arindam to get rid off tight edges on lips. "Five minutes
Arindam a day keeps doctors away."
However, besides above mentioned, Arindam has
no benefit in day to day life. Survey suggests 15000 YouTube visitors have
witnessed serious headaches while brains of 2% of Indian YouTube visitors which
also visited Arindam's videos blasted with full force creating 250 decibels of
noise and serious ear troubles for their relatives.
Another issue is inferiority complex to many
scholars, creating serious issues of depression and broken relationships. SSI
told India Satire correspondent that many scholars faced double whammy as their
wives told them that they can't even touch the edge of Arindam Chaudhuri,
neither in terms of looks nor in terms of talent. Many other diseases like
heart trouble, heart burn, knowledge deficiency, brain juices sucked out, etc
also accompany with these major issues. SSI recommends staying away from him.
Read full coverage on Arindam
Chaudhuri on India Satire
No.2
Kapil Sibal aka Sibal Uncle (Innovator, Politician, Lawyer):
Danger
Value 50
All three degress mentioned above just proved
that he is in a unique and esteemed class of intellectuals. SSI said Kapil
Sibal is a very unique identity that borne in India. This guy is serious
trouble for sensible people in India. Though he recognised for his humble
language, many identified him with WTF kind of expression. Along with many
innovations, Sibal has invented Kapil Sibal syndrome (a serious chemical
reaction in the patient leads to madness and frustration).
Scientists said Sibal’s zero loss theory
caused many genuine and sensible scientists to make suicide. These scientists
felt so idiotic that they felt it was better to lose life than live in losing
world. His theory was studied by every news agency, every research house and
every university in the world and found out zero wasting their 100% time in the
bullshit.
Survey suggests when Sibal speaks 99% times
he innovates something. His innovative ideas can cause madness in the people.
Another disease that had found out was feeling loser all the time and feeling
fu*ked. All these diseases can be bunched in Kapil Sibal syndrome (KSS).
Sibal also favored pre-screening of social
networking content before it published to Google or Facebook, which itself is
unique idea. However, it took some irritating turn as parents started asking
doctors to pre-screen their babies before publishing into the world whether
their children have anything kind of Kapil Sibal syndrome. Doctors said it is
really a pain that they have not really invented any instrument which measures Kapil
Sibal Syndrome leading to a heavy outburst of parents. Doctors, however, are
confident that Kapil Sibal syndrome will eliminate soon and pre-screening of
babies in mother’s womb would be helpful.
Recently Sibal suggested to apply
pre-screening machines in the minds of people which will identify people who thinks
he is id*ot and will record the stuff. Sibal listening to that stuff then will
decide whether to kick on his a$$ of that person or not. That created huge fear
among innocent and sensible people along with already frightened satire writers
and comment writers on Facebook and Google. He terrorized all the netizens and other
non-netizen civilians.
SSI identified him as a serious trouble to
sensibility and gave esteemed 2nd number position.
Read full coverage Kapil
Sibal on India Satire
No.
1 Digvijay Singh aka Diggy Chacha (Most intelligent creature in the universe):
Danger
Value 65
SSI identified Digvijay Singh aka Diggy
Chacha as a most dangerous specie in the world. He is most intelligent creature
in the universe, even Jadoo accepted that Chacha Diggy is much more intelligent
than him. He is very sharp and great command over communication. Major problem
he created for sensible people is severe madness, irritation and asking God not
to send on the earth if Chacha is there.
SSI said that Diggy Chacha is a serious
trouble for your stomach as well. All the above diseases are accompanied with
him. He is a basket of all the disease available at free.
Sources said that US government is more
worried for India sending Diggy as its weapon than Iran accessing nuclear bomb
or Pakistani terrorists accessing Pakistan’s nuclear bomb. These sources
confirmed that US government requested India not to send Diggy to any of the
nation who can be more explosive than any nuclear or bio weapons created by
human beings.
Right now Diggy Chacha is on a mission…
Mission (Im) Possible to set Rahul Gandhi (popularly known as Amul Baby and
Rahul Baba) on Prime Minister’s seat and throw RSS led terrorism from the world.
Doctors suggested precautionary steps. Doctor
Pradeep Varma said “If you feel anything like burning heart or brain. Feeling
nervous and consistently wanting to get rid off your clothes, if you want to
tear your clothes, hairs or feeling to kill yourself, if you feel distressed,
impotent, no value in sex life, irritated, unknowledgeable, etc and many more
(List will be displayed in due-course of time). Then just go and check up with
doctors, you might have
Chacha Diggy syndrome.”
Read full coverage on Diggy Chacha on India Satire
This story is dedicated to Jhyap (Indian Defence Board) who inspired me to write on this theme.
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